Ways to "Launder" Your Dirty Money.

Disclaimer: The following ways and means of transferring funds between two or more individuals or business entities are meant for references and general readings only. The author does not assume responsibilities neither directly or indirectly as a result of any party or parties involving in similar practices. The examples and cases referred herein are fictitious and do not necessarily impart any form of relevance either legally or otherwise to any parties. Correlations are regretted.

The paragraph above is just to CMA (cover my ass) in case some mafia or corrupted civil servants decided to come after me for revealing their trade. The texts were proof read by my legal counsel so, you can pretty much forget about taking me to court if the following ideas do not work as expected.

There are at least 578 ways of turning your unlawful earnings, criminal related income, blood-stained, drug-stained, or vice-stained money into something that allows you to spend them freely and literally 'cleaned'. Here are some of them (just in case you have to consider any of them):

• Winning 4-D tickets - This is probably the oldest trick in the book of transforming sinful money. All you need to do is to pay Ah Beng or Ah Huay between RM 1,000 to RM 2,000 more than what they are supposed to receive from the 4-D operators but allow you to claim the prize instead. For bigger pot, you may need to increase the private bonus up to 5% to convince them to give you their winning ticket(s). Otherwise, they may have trouble explaining where did they get the RM100,000 or more to the IRD (Income Tax Department).

• Disperse the bulk of the dirty money to group of youngsters aged between 18 - 24 years old in block of RM 12,000 - 15,000. The incentive they will receive is RM 500 per head to deposit this amount to their newly opened bank account. These funds shall be transferred back to your local bank's account or an offshore account in 2 weeks time. You pay these people RM 200 first and RM 300 when they completed the transfer. You have all their particulars such as IC, BC, parent's address, girl/boy friend's contact and addresses etc. I don't think they are brave enough to mess with the mafia.

• When the money is slowly coming into your local or offshore bank account(s), start wire transfer them out of the country in USD ($ US Dollar) or STG (£ Pounds Sterling) to a designated Swiss, Bermuda or UK accounts. Don't forget it has to be less than RM 20,000 equivalent amount at a time to avoid the Bank Negara reporting (by the respective local bank). Also, make sure you go to different bank branches to perform the TT (Telegraphic Transfer). When the funds are successfully TT to your foreign bank account(s), make payment to any of the foreign credit cards associated with the same bank account(s). For example, if you have a UK bank account and has applied for a credit card (Visa/MasterCard) that linked to this bank account, the bank will usually give you up to £ 3,000 credit limit. However, you are allowed to pay into this credit account with unlimited payment. So, you can start putting more funds into this credit card account to a maximum of say, £ 20,000. Take this credit card to your favorite Jewelers, Sincere Watches or WooHing and have a spending spree on the expensive watches or a diamond necklace worth hundreds of thousand. Ulysee Nardin and Rolexes are good choices. Once you have got the goods, transforming it back to cold hard cash is usually not a problem. Use you own creativity as the hard part is already taken care of.

• If you are a candidate recipient of some "goodwill" token or "Duit Angpow" from some contractors or suppliers, there are ways to get these money cleaned. One way is to go through the Internet Gaming sites. The most popular being the Online Internet Poker sites. First, tell your 'Contributor' to go to one of those private one-to-one poker room at a preset date and time. Use Instant Messenger to notify and confirm your identity. Once everything is cleared and making sure that the other party is not an undercover police office (usually a password like "I am a women in rainbow coloured skirt" may be used for verification), you can start transacting...the 'contributor' will surprisingly constantly loosing and you end up winning like US$ 50,000 on this very lucky night. And the money that you withdraw from the Poker site back to your local bank account is as legal as legal can be....and cleaned...because it just happened to be your lucky day!

• Similar to the Poker Game sites, as your foreign bank accounts grew fatter by the day, you may want to slim it down and bring it back to Malaysia to feed more mistresses and to support their extravaganza spending lifestyle via the Internet Gaming (Gambling or Casino) sites. All you need to do is to transfer the funds directly into your Online Gaming Account, maybe £30,000 at a time. After that, pretend to play for a short while in Roulette. BlackJack etc. You never know, you may even double up your dirty money by hitting some jackpot! When you withdraw funds from the Online Gaming site, you can nominate to Wire Transfer the money to a Malaysian Bank Account. The Gaming site do not restrict you from refunding back to original account. Therefore, you can even transfer directly all these 'cleaned' funds to your mistress' bank account in Malaysia.

I am running out of time rushing into a meeting soon. There are many more methods of laundering dirty money. I will come back to this topic when I have a chance next time and don't worry, I will not tell you about literally washing the currency notes and ironing them.

No. 3 and No. 5

Been busy with work rushing a follow-up information submission to a potential client. Finally out of the way today but still have some left-over activities...but at least got a chance to sneak out of office for a proper lunch around the vicinity.

After lunch at one of our regular joints, while walking back to the office, I bumped into this VCD vendor (it's been quite rare these days as the law enforcers have been patrolling around the area). Anyway, first thing the man greet with a giant smile followed by recommending a couple of latest hit movies...Bewitched, Fantasy 4 etc. I continue to browse and told him I am looking for horror movies....it's time of the year where most citizen of the underworld got a chance to come out and join us for a little bit of celebration and the "Poh Toh" (Hungry Ghost Festival).

The VCD peddler thrown out a couple of CDs and continue to say "What about 'Sam Chai Mm Chai' (No. 3 and No. 5 in Cantonese)? Very very good quality!".

I told him I already have quite a number of 'Mm Chai' but do not find them entertaining any more (must be getting old). He then change his strategy and shown me a couple of very nicely packaged 'Sam Chai' and said they all have story line and chics are all very attractive. I am not convinced and jokingly asked if he has any 'Kau Chai' (No. 9 in Cantonese) with story...he laughed and said "Why don't you act and I will film it and sell it back to you" He has not seen a 'Kau Chai' himself and has no clue what else can you do/act that deserve a 9.

He had a very good point...if one does not satisfy with a '5', maybe they should act out themselves and see if the result can surpass the '5'. At the end, I took 3 of the regular movie CDs and head straight back to the office.

Thinking back, I started to picture a society where product grading means following certain yardstick on specific measurement and value. Who has the right to decide on that?

The future to come, there may not even be elaborated clothing...maybe it is just a tiny clad on private part when the surrounding is enclosed in a dome where heating supply in abundant. Who need to be engaged in any form of sex act when artificial insemination would be practiced not just on female species but possibly the male? And there is always the 4-D Virtual Reality Simulation that allows anyone with an urge to have sex with your own selected partner, environment, backdrop, positions, etc. etc.

When that happens, who is going to give a fcuking toss about 'Sam Chai', 'Mm Chai' or 'Kau Chai'? It will be a whole new ball game altogether.

Time Flies....

Enough of blogging about the haze...the last I've checked...the haze has miraculously disappeared in the PJ area but I am still holding my breathe for the golf game organized for tomorrow morning.

The entire family has moved out this morning to the in-laws down south panicking over the "State of Emergency" leaving poor old me home alone. If not because of those bloody bid responses, I will join the family to enjoy the clear blue sky along the sandy beach.
Just came back after dinner and some drinks at a pub nearby with some friends. Now feeling really bored after watching a VCD (some Japanese video diary...that's enough to keep you guessing), decided to update some really old websites that I have created like 10 years ago...some got deleted by the free hosting provider but some remains (surprisingly!). And I have found one photo (see above) that has been there for more than 9 years!! This is a photo of our wedding reception in KL with some Ozzy friends.

Time flies, can't believe myself that it has been that long. Phew! looking back those were the happy (and NO KIDS) days when both of us can travel around the world without needing to worry about disinfecting the baby bottles, toddler food, diapers etc.

I do not wish to turn back the clock, it will not be the same...I would rather continue to aged knowing there are 3 parts of 'me' slowly growing bigger and taller by the day. I am eager to find out how they will turn out to be.

Hopefully, when I wake up tomorrow it's another 9 years...and I will be checking if Blogspot still exist and keeping my photos.

FUNNY....What Children Said These Days

Some friend sends me this via an e-mail just now...

One day, a boy asks his teacher, "Miss Miss, do our hearts have legs ?"

Teacher said ; "NO! Who told you that ?"

Boy said: "Because I heard my Dad saying - Come on SWEET HEART, please open Your legs..."

Teacher: "......"

You may chuckle about it but the sad reality of that is our children are picking up all sort of wrong signals and unhealthy messages from daily encounter with their intimate surrounding. The parents play a vital role in portraying the right images.

Hence, if you are a pervert Dad or Mum...you have all the rights to be so. No one in this world will deny or disapprove your privileges.

BUT, please reveal your true self with greater discretion. The thought of spreading the wrong information amongst their peer group and playmates could be devastating.

I understand the fact that not all household may have sufficient private space for the beloved couple. Especially, when the family is extended and the roof over the head did not expand at the same pace (usually the case). Well, there is always the back seats of your car (make sure you don't bring your kids along). And don't park at somewhere where the robbers or police can 'kacau' (disturb).

Worst scenario, catch a bus to the nearest Hour Hotel where you two (or more) love birds can enjoy each other cherished companionship.

Guai Lo Children

Ever wonder why European/Caucasian/American children will not survive too long in the hot and humid climate in most Asian countries? They just have some foreign genes that somehow prevent them from living like a pure Asian. Not the water or air that they drink/breathe I am sure since they actually lived like kings having bungalows with swimming pool, domestic helpers, clean/filtered water, air purifier/conditioner, best food money can buy...in fact, nothing that is different from what they eat or drink compared with their home country apart from physically being here in an Asian country.

I have some friends who came over to Malaysia for long term secondments ranging from 2-4 years. Had kids born and raised in KL/PJ for the duration that they were here but....all seem to have some kind of illness or problem since birth. The most common being respiratory and skin diseases. The pictures that I have posted together with this blog shows exactly the big contrast between their condition/appearance when they finally gone home [Alana is turning 3 years and the three Rees' children were 5 (Millie), 3 & 20 months (can't remember their names)] Most were born here except for Alana.

When the Rees' children were here, I remembered visiting them at their place and one of the Rees' boys got such a bad skin problem that his face was like patchy red and full of awful looking craters. Look at the photo now...they all looks like angel after being back to the cool and comfortable climate in the UK.

I now believe that Asian will always be more comfortable living in these dreadfully hot and sticky climate because of our ancestry while the 'Guai Lo' (foreigner) should just stay put in their homeland. But, for those 'Guai Lo' marrying SPGs and locals may be a different story as the mixed blood may create new species that allow them to live in both the 'Guai' as well as the Asian countries.

The future to come, One World...everyone start mixing with everyone and producing children that may have not just black, white, yellow or brown complexion but could be a rainbow mix (maybe not blue, green, purple etc. but grey, orange, light yellow, dark yellow etc). Racism may take on a meaning as we no longer can group people in just a few ethnic colours. Wonderful isn't it?

Naza Service Centre

My Ria was due for the 10K service hence I made a booking for this morning. The last service was December 2004 when the odometer reading was near 5K. Yeah...yeah...I know...low mileage and shit like that. I drove everyday except that the work place happens to be 10 minutes away from my present home.

I don't believe the bollocks that those service representative said about "you have to service your car every 3 months even though your mileage is low because the engine oil will harden..." what crap, the synthetic oil usually will last you 3-5 years let alone a few months.

Anyway, I was late...they started at 8 a.m. but I only arrived at half-9 and the number was already 27 presumably the sequence begin from 1. I saw a number 12 lying at the guard house table but my guess is somebody must have "reserved" the spot while popping out for a quick coffee or trying to find a better parking space.

There I was waiting patiently at the service lobby where only 3 of the service supervisors were working on this day. The number called was 10 and I took a glance of the room full of sleepy heads...poor fellas must have rushed here in the wee hours to get the first few numbers.

According to my timing, each customer took about 20 minutes to be served...partly because they have to walk like a few hundred metres away to inspect their respective cars NO Thanks to Naza being too stingy to build enough customer parking spaces.

All in all there are only 5 staff serving about 20 customers at the time I was there. 3 Service Supervisors, 1 admin and 1 cashier. Fortunately, my turn came about 2 hours later and quickly I step up to the counter and go through the boring service request. Once done, I thought I would be able to leave the place as quick as possible...I was damn wrong...apparently not many taxi driver would go to that place in Puchong and there goes another 45 minutes waiting for the cabby.

I can't believe sending a car for routine service could take half a day! How I wish these car dealers can offer rapid "car drop-off" type of services where customer will just drive into their multi-storey car park, get a number, self-service and write down your complaints and contact numbers, drop off the form and leave the service centre. The camera at entrance should have taken a digital shot of your car just to make sure there will not be any dispute with scratches or dents at your car when you collect them. Dreaming? Maybe not...some European countries already doing this. We may have to wait another 2-3 years before it come to Asia.

BASH The HAGGIS !

If you have nothing better to do and feeling bored with not achieving anything in life, here is something that you may find interesting.

Just hit the poor haggis as accurate as possible and see if you can score long enough distance that allow your name to be placed on the global haggis bash chart. Enjoy!

http://www.bashthehaggis.com/

Fancy a Quick Buck?

I don't usually give advice to people on how to get rich quick. Never believe in earning fast cash and don't encourage people to jump into those "short-cut way to rich and famous" bandwagon.

However, in view of recent price hike in petrol, toll, transportation etc., one can't help but to find out how to earn a few extra Ringgit to cover some of these expenditures. I would like to share some of the "tips" based on some casual office talks that you may find interesting:

Disclaimer: The following excerpts were based on words of mouth and comments from people not professionally trained as financial planner/adviser. The author will not be liable to any form of damages either financially or physically (both mentally or bodily).

1. Stock market

• The market sentiment is currently mixed with special interest in certain sectors/industries such as Plantations, Infrastructure, Automotive and some haram (non-Halal or Kosher) businesses.
• Palm oil related: IOI and Golden Hope share prices have been on the climb since 8 months ago. The next big hype about palm oil related industries is the potential plans to build mega plants to convert palm oil to diesel. When that happens, you can rest assure that those related counters' quote will be moving at rocket prices.
• Automobile industry: Most people have missed the mega one-day jump of near 70-80 cents on Proton. The profit taking is currently bringing the counter back to earth. All eyes are now on the outcome of getting the 'right' CEO and also the future development of the Approved Permits. Nevertheless, both Proton and Hicom are counters to watch in the coming months.
• Banking stock: Safest bet (if you have the cash and patient). Public Bank and Maybank are currently quite expensive but expected to go down slightly in the next 2 months. When it hits a 5 months low, it is time to do some bargain hunting. The key is to hold for at least 6-9 months with close supervision of NPL statuses for both.
• Leisure and services: Genting and Resorts are both at the "hold" state due to the pending results of the two gaming (a.k.a. gambling/casino) licences to be awarded by the Singapore government. Analysts' prediction was that Genting is likely to secure one of the concessions because of various reasons that include the close tie with Star Cruise which can potentially bring in the bulk of the selective gaming customers from the region.
• Other stock to watch include: Maxis, Astro (and Tanjong - as long as they belong to Ananda Krishnan, they can't be that bad), AirAsia and surprisingly Plus. Plus is kind of predicted as analysts and consultants already "calculated" their projected new revenue stream and potential future income 5 years in advance.

2. EPF

• Rather than putting your hard earn money into the bank and get like miserable 3%-4% per annum from Fixed Deposit. Consider setting up your own company and start contributing to your EPF account. At least, you will be getting a 6% or higher (hopefully it stays there or better) interest although you are not likely to take it out so easily.

3. Selling contents over Internet or Mobile

• Instead of lying on the sofa and watch TV every night after work, why not think about a way to create some clever and easy-to-catch-on contents to be downloaded from the Internet or Mobile download sites. You will be rewarded handsomely even if you charge RM 1.00 for each download. I have a friend whom has written a small Java program to "blank out" the Palm's screen but he advertised it as "Palm Mirror" but charging US$ 1.00 per download. He has advertised it in some US sites as well as Malaysia, Singapore etc. His average monthly income from that download business is approximately RM 20K in 2003.
• If you have a pretty face or nice body figure...uhhmmm...there are still many suckers out there whom are willing to pay RM1 or RM2 to download your picture(s)...how spicy are the pictures is entirely up to you....you may even wear a mask if you like. OK OK...cut the crap...it's porn and that is the biggest money earner on the Net or Mobile contents download. The unfair truth is that only certain gender has the advantage in that area but not the male species (or should I say less popular).

4. Getting Internet Click-Money

• Google Adsense, Spedia, etc. etc. so many of them these days. Seem like easy money but you do need to pay attention on getting something really attracting the public eyes.

That's all for now folks! Please make sure you still maintain a permanent job unless you have hit the jackpot from either of the above trade. Drop me a line if you have been successful so that I will also give it a try....change sex if need be.