Ways to "Launder" Your Dirty Money.

Disclaimer: The following ways and means of transferring funds between two or more individuals or business entities are meant for references and general readings only. The author does not assume responsibilities neither directly or indirectly as a result of any party or parties involving in similar practices. The examples and cases referred herein are fictitious and do not necessarily impart any form of relevance either legally or otherwise to any parties. Correlations are regretted.

The paragraph above is just to CMA (cover my ass) in case some mafia or corrupted civil servants decided to come after me for revealing their trade. The texts were proof read by my legal counsel so, you can pretty much forget about taking me to court if the following ideas do not work as expected.

There are at least 578 ways of turning your unlawful earnings, criminal related income, blood-stained, drug-stained, or vice-stained money into something that allows you to spend them freely and literally 'cleaned'. Here are some of them (just in case you have to consider any of them):

• Winning 4-D tickets - This is probably the oldest trick in the book of transforming sinful money. All you need to do is to pay Ah Beng or Ah Huay between RM 1,000 to RM 2,000 more than what they are supposed to receive from the 4-D operators but allow you to claim the prize instead. For bigger pot, you may need to increase the private bonus up to 5% to convince them to give you their winning ticket(s). Otherwise, they may have trouble explaining where did they get the RM100,000 or more to the IRD (Income Tax Department).

• Disperse the bulk of the dirty money to group of youngsters aged between 18 - 24 years old in block of RM 12,000 - 15,000. The incentive they will receive is RM 500 per head to deposit this amount to their newly opened bank account. These funds shall be transferred back to your local bank's account or an offshore account in 2 weeks time. You pay these people RM 200 first and RM 300 when they completed the transfer. You have all their particulars such as IC, BC, parent's address, girl/boy friend's contact and addresses etc. I don't think they are brave enough to mess with the mafia.

• When the money is slowly coming into your local or offshore bank account(s), start wire transfer them out of the country in USD ($ US Dollar) or STG (£ Pounds Sterling) to a designated Swiss, Bermuda or UK accounts. Don't forget it has to be less than RM 20,000 equivalent amount at a time to avoid the Bank Negara reporting (by the respective local bank). Also, make sure you go to different bank branches to perform the TT (Telegraphic Transfer). When the funds are successfully TT to your foreign bank account(s), make payment to any of the foreign credit cards associated with the same bank account(s). For example, if you have a UK bank account and has applied for a credit card (Visa/MasterCard) that linked to this bank account, the bank will usually give you up to £ 3,000 credit limit. However, you are allowed to pay into this credit account with unlimited payment. So, you can start putting more funds into this credit card account to a maximum of say, £ 20,000. Take this credit card to your favorite Jewelers, Sincere Watches or WooHing and have a spending spree on the expensive watches or a diamond necklace worth hundreds of thousand. Ulysee Nardin and Rolexes are good choices. Once you have got the goods, transforming it back to cold hard cash is usually not a problem. Use you own creativity as the hard part is already taken care of.

• If you are a candidate recipient of some "goodwill" token or "Duit Angpow" from some contractors or suppliers, there are ways to get these money cleaned. One way is to go through the Internet Gaming sites. The most popular being the Online Internet Poker sites. First, tell your 'Contributor' to go to one of those private one-to-one poker room at a preset date and time. Use Instant Messenger to notify and confirm your identity. Once everything is cleared and making sure that the other party is not an undercover police office (usually a password like "I am a women in rainbow coloured skirt" may be used for verification), you can start transacting...the 'contributor' will surprisingly constantly loosing and you end up winning like US$ 50,000 on this very lucky night. And the money that you withdraw from the Poker site back to your local bank account is as legal as legal can be....and cleaned...because it just happened to be your lucky day!

• Similar to the Poker Game sites, as your foreign bank accounts grew fatter by the day, you may want to slim it down and bring it back to Malaysia to feed more mistresses and to support their extravaganza spending lifestyle via the Internet Gaming (Gambling or Casino) sites. All you need to do is to transfer the funds directly into your Online Gaming Account, maybe £30,000 at a time. After that, pretend to play for a short while in Roulette. BlackJack etc. You never know, you may even double up your dirty money by hitting some jackpot! When you withdraw funds from the Online Gaming site, you can nominate to Wire Transfer the money to a Malaysian Bank Account. The Gaming site do not restrict you from refunding back to original account. Therefore, you can even transfer directly all these 'cleaned' funds to your mistress' bank account in Malaysia.

I am running out of time rushing into a meeting soon. There are many more methods of laundering dirty money. I will come back to this topic when I have a chance next time and don't worry, I will not tell you about literally washing the currency notes and ironing them.